A Long Journey

It occurred to me that I have not included many details of what is going on with  R and B and their future with us.  We met the new social this week.  Her exact words were, "We are looking at 18mo.-2 years.  This is going to be a long journey we walk together."  What does that mean?  R and B will be with us for a long time... with a possibility of forever.  But before we jump in and get our hearts set on forever we have a long journey ahead of us.  And they are always searching for family who will take them too.  So at any point along this journey they could find a long lost estranged Aunt and, if she is willing and able, custody would go to her.
For now we love them as much as possible.  We give them as much stability as we can.  We are working on building trust and attachments.  We are trying to give them a foundation that they can build their emotional, social, intellectual and physical futures on. 
When we first got them their stress level was so high it is called Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  Over this month I have seen them calm down, smile more, laugh hysterically, and learn to communicate, hug, and cuddle.  Love is slowly tempering the explosive anger.  And trust is seeping in to calm the fear.   They are far from "fixed".  Many mountains still to climb.  But it is really encouraging and rewarding to see such progress in the first month. 

OH SNAP!

Yes I did it.  I SNAPPED.  It was a stupid thing too.  Spilled water.  Intentionally spilled as I yelled STOP!!!!!  I lost my temper and threw one of the biggest Mommy tantrums of my 7 year career over spilled water.  Long story short, the stress level in the house has been a bit high.  Although M and R play well, with all the added noise and chaos in the house M has developed a stutter.  And O?  Let's just say that he and I took a mental health day yesterday. 
I have been reading a book called Simplicity Parenting .  In it the author suggests when your kids get too stressed that we stop everything.  Take a weekend to do nothing.  Take a day off school and activities and just unwind. 
After my tantrum (most of it took place in my room) it was time to take O to school.  My stomach was in knots and I could tell O was wound so tight- he had tears in his eyes while putting on his shoes. He had a rough evening the night before and in the morning it just continued.  It dawned on me that his negative behavior (which may or may not have been the main contributing factor to my melt down) was due to the stress he is feeling with all the changes in the dynamics of our family.  And he just needed a break from his normal routine to not worry for a day.  I think it helped. 
It is late now, but I don't want to leave you worrying about our mental wellness over here.  We are doing better after our day of nothing.  I need to get more sleep, worry less, and sleep more!       





 

While our Social worker and Case Manager were visiting this week the boys kept busy filling the window sill with cars and action figures. 

 

The Good followed by the Bad

A great day on Wednesday!  I took M to his The Little Gym class.  I was worried about how R would respond to M going in and not him.  At first he didn't notice because he was playing with toys.  Once he caught a glimpse of the gym he wanted to go in.  Teacher Tracie was so kind, she took him in and he absolutely lit up!  He just followed all the other kids and did whatever the teachers told him to do.  It was really a pleasant day all the way around.  I had a couple Mommy brag moments when M spent an hour cleaning up his gigantic toy mess pretty much by himself.  And O folded and put away his laundry with out my help.  I was feeling pretty good as a mom.  Thought maybe I'd even write my own parenting book.  Call it something like, "Give your Children Wings."  or "The laid back parenting guide." 
And then Thursday happen.  I would like to take back my screaming. 
6am when I hear a squeaky bed room door open, I groan.  I drag myself down the stairs, grab a blanket and pillow, and curl up on the floor while R plays.  A little while later the boys come down and start playing.  And shortly after that the arguing begins.  R likes to take the toys and books that the boys are using which doesn't go over well.  And the day moves forward in this fashion until bed time.  A few high lights were dropping off books at the library carrying a screaming R to the car.  And pretty much screaming from the moment we walked into Fred Meyer and he saw the left over Easter Candy display.  I never wanted to take R to the grocery store for this very reason.  Food provokes a lot of memories and emotions for people and I just knew that the grocery store would be a trigger for a lot of fits.  And he didn't disappoint.  But we survived a quick trip for eggs and bread.  Looks like I am night shopping for the foreseeable future. 
Usually I wait a few days before writing about things that happen.  It gives me time to filter and edit my thoughts and get perspective on the situation.  But today is a day I would like to vent about and then move on from.  Nothing horrible happened, just a day in the life of a mom.  A tired mom who is going to bed... right after I clean out my purse. 

                                                          

The Knot in my Stomach

I had a knot in my stomach for a week and a half.  It finally burst into tiny little pieces and traveled through my body poking at every nerve and muscle.  It gnawed at my skin and finally found a nice resting place right in my throat.  Thank goodness for sleep, perspective, humor, and love.
Two new rules I am trying to live by:
1. Don't sweat the small stuff.
2. Everything is small.

Progress Report:
I think that R and B are feeling more settled, safe, and trusting.  I measure how safe R feels by the intensity of his tantrums.  We had some ragers in the first week.  There is so much fear, terror, and confusion in his scream.  When I have to remove him from a situation he has no idea what's going to happen to him.  All he has to go on is his previous life experiences, which I don't know anything about.  But each time he has a "fit" and I sit there and watch, calm on the outside, mind racing on the inside; he learns. And trust is built.  Every fit ends with a hug. 
It has been almost a week since a face melting break down.  I would say they are down to tantrum size fits and almost developmentally appropriate for his age.  But then you want to throw in Easter with it's candy filled plastic eggs and cousins by the dozen?  And I have no idea how he is going to react.  That is why I have Jake.  He reminds me that this is small stuff.  We can't keep him in a bubble his whole life.  Don't worry so much. 

When B is hungry or tired look out... she turns on what I call, BEAST MODE!  Maybe we should start throwing Skittles at her when she gets cranky! 

 

 

                                            

 

 

 

                                                      

 

 

  

 

Who loves you?

"Mom, I'm du-un!"  M announced from the bathroom.  Which means, 'I pooped!  Come wipe my bum.'  After I helped him, I put my nose to his nose and asked him, "Do you know who loves you?"  I expected  him to say either Mommy or Daddy.  But he said something much more profound and I have been thinking about it all day, "Everyone!" he said.  
Wouldn't that be awesome if you could all say, with full confidence and total belief that everyone loves you?  As adults our world is so large.  Friends, acquaintances, co-workers, there are so many people through out our life that influence us and we have an influence on.  Surely not ALL those people love us.  But a child's world is very small.  They can name all the people that are special to them on their fingers.  And the people who are important enough to be counted on those tiny fingers have the responsibility to shape that child.  Filling them with unconditional love.  Assuring them that they can dream of someday being the president, or ending world hunger, or walking on the moon. 
I'm trying not to wax too poetic or sound like some groovy parenting book.  Like I said I have just been thinking about what M said through out my day.  What a special time childhood is.  Everybody in his world loves him.  What a safe feeling.
R and M playing together.  This is such a relief.  I was having a lot of anxiety about the relationship between these two.  2 days in, so far so good.  R seems to watch my boys and do what they do.  This was my hope.  Even an answer to my prayer. 
When I got the call about R and B, I was not so sure I wanted to take them.  Mainly because they are white.  There I said it.  I always imagined myself having foster and adopted children who were of a culturally diverse background.  Why?  Here is the answer.  I'm not proud of it, but it is my insecurity.  Because when people see me at the park or grocery store I want it to be obvious that these are not my biological kids.  Not because I want people to praise or applaud me.  But because I don't want them judging me for my child's bad behavior.  There it is.  Fear of judgment from others. 
But I decided to pray about these siblings.  And I had a thought, "We can give this little boy brothers."  And that was comforting.
R is not the gentlest big brother to B.  Their interactions with each other are territorial,  aggressive, and angry.  But he is a big teddy bear and LOVES playing with boys.  We can already see some improvement in his behavior.  I am learning so much about their personalities and I think they are feeling more settled and safe.  (the beautiful weather has helped a ton, they love playing outside)  I can now tell the difference between a regular 2 year old tantrum and an actual fear based panic attack.
So there you have it.  I've had some really emotional moments that I may share with you when it is not so late in the evening.  And some really sweet ones too.  Thank you for all the support.  It really does give me the confidence to continue what we have set out to do... CHANGE THE WORLD!!! 
 I had a lot of people who loved me when I was a child so I can still DREAM BIG!  

A Very Late Night

I so need to go to bed right now.  Just wanted to update everyone on my day... ok not the whole day.  Just the high lights.  We had 2 kids join our family today!  A boy, almost 3.  And a girl, one year old.  They are hearty children.  They drank a quarter of a gallon of milk this evening.  R is the happiest little boy I have ever met.  He cracks himself up.  The minute he walked in the door he started playing with all our toys and didn't stop even for dinner. This evening we were in the church parking lot and he stood with the toes of his galoshes on the edge of the curb, looked at me with a big smile like I was supposed to count down for him to jump.  His knees bent, momentum went forward, but the feet never left the ground.  Landed on the pavement right on his arms.  He got right up and jibbered some jabber and off we went in the car.  B is a typical one year old little sister.  Just trying to play with her brothers closely guarded toys and steal his sippy cup.  She sings and dances to music and at this moment her snores are coming through the baby monitor loud and clear. 
Tomorrow I will give more detail about the whole day, for now I am going to bed way too late.  Jake jinxed me last night when he convinced me to stay up to watch Survivor we had recorded.  He said "You can sleep all weekend."
The first night is sooooo difficult.  Putting kids to bed that you have never met and no instructions is a big game of trial and error.  You really have to try every trick in the book before you figure out their night time habits. 
Please forgive any spelling or grammar errors!  Good night!     

Little People are Breaking My Heart

The past couple weeks the placement coordinator has informed us of a number of children that need homes.  One we said no to and the others we said yes to.  The brief information that we get about some of these kids breaks our hearts. But they went to other homes.  It has been a roller coaster.

This week we are enjoying having a baby in the house!  We are doing respite for a week.  Respite is when you watch a foster child who lives in another foster home.  The foster family is going on vacation and they can't take her with them.  T is 1.5 years old and currently sick.  This is why Little People are Breaking My Heart.  She gets sick a lot.  But she seemed fine when we got her on Monday.  She was really fine all Monday and most of Tuesday.  I thought it was actually kind of strange how fine she was.  She is in a strange home with people she has never met and she walks around like it doesn't even phase her.  I'm not gonna lie, that does make my job easier.  She isn't hysterically crying for her mom.  Just go with the flow.  Makes things easy.  But last night she finally started whimpering, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy."  It made me feel a bit better.  She does have connections and bonds and attachments.  That is important for her development.
Today she woke up sick.  Not wanting to eat.  Strange, since she has been eating everything I offered her since she walked through the door.  But today there was some crying and some throw up.  It continued on and off through the day.  She had a visit with her Dad and apparently she cried for an hour and a half and more throw up.  When she got home I spent a lot of time cuddling with her, letting her listen to my heart beat, trying to help her feel as much love as possible.  With no medical training my cure for ailments is food and love.  In my mind it is the stress from being in a strange home, away from her foster family, that has caused her to get sick.  So if I can help her stress to go down then her little body can heal.  Like I said, I'm not a doctor.  But it was nice that we didn't have anything to do tonight so we could just chill. 

She liked to have M hold her sippy cup for her.  She has a cast on her right arm so it's tricky to         hold with one little hand.  M is loving his roll as big brother. She just smiles at M and hands him her cup.  But she won't let O help her.