The Waiting

Incase you are wondering what is going on with our family, here is more than you probably wanted to know!
We are going to do respite for a 17 mo. old.  From March 31st- April 5th. 
What is respite?  Think of it as baby sitting.  If you want or need to leave your foster child for more than 24 hrs.  you must leave them with a licensed foster care giver in a licensed foster home.  So a family at our foster agency, is going on vacation but the birth mom does not want her daughter to leave the state.  So they have to find respite care for her while they are gone.  So we are excited to get back to work!

Today we got a call that there is a 1 month old baby girl ready to be released from the hospital and needed long term foster care.  I cannot explain the rush of adrenaline that starts pumping through me when I get these emails and calls.  It is much like when you look at the pregnancy test and the positive sign begins to appear.  All of a sudden reality hits and things get real. 
So we said we will take her!  But apparently babies, particularly baby girls, are quite... popular.  So I waited to hear all day if we got chosen.  Day dreaming about what our life was going to be like with a new born in the house.  It was hard to focus.  I waited all day.  The longer I waited the more I realized we had not been chosen as her foster parents.  Later, through email, it was confirmed.
Bummer.  This is the strangest feeling.  Not knowing what my life will look like in the near future.  One email can flip all our plans on their head.  For me it makes it hard to plan things.  I only make plans that I know I can follow through with even if I had an extra passenger. 
For now, I am trying to be patient.  Trying to trust that things will work out for the best.

On another note.  My O.  My sweet, sensitive, anxious, perceptive, O.  Today he melted down.  He does this every few weeks... maybe more.  I thought it was because I scolded him for repeating something a neighbor girl said yesterday.  But he said that was only part of it.  I don't want to go into too much detail for his privacy, but part of what he said is that I don't love him and he is never getting out of bed again. Jake did eventually get him to come down for dinner and the rest of the night was normal.  At bed time he finally told me what it was that made him think that I don't love him.  Get ready for this: 
Have any of you seen the commercial where the computer guys are in the ceiling of the conference room improving their internet?  The guy is on the ladder and asks the girl if it hurt when she fell from heaven and she responds, "Yeah, Kinda."
So the other day I was on the computer.  I could hear O and Jake in the other room and O keeps prodding Jake,  "Go ask her, go ask her."  And Jake, who is watching Gonzaga get pounced in the NCAA tournament, responds multiple times, "Ok, at a commercial."  O couldn't wait. He comes in giggling and asks, "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"  I smiled and answered "Yeah, Kinda."  He ran back to the family room cracking up and bugged Jake to, "Go ask her!"  Until finally, a commercial break.  Jake pulled himself off the couch to appease his son.  This time I had time to think of my response.  So when the pick up line was delivered, I announced,  "Yes!  Take me home!"  leaped into his arms and gave him a kiss.  Ok, I tried to leap into his arms... I tried.  We all laughed and they went back to the game.
So there you have it.  The reason my son thinks I don't love him.  Did you catch it? 
I only said,  "Yeah, Kinda."  to him but jumped up and kissed daddy.  Kids read into EVERYTHING we do.  How many "I love you's" does it take to make up for all the impatient mornings and frustrating bed times?  How many hugs and kisses do I have to give out to build him back up after a day at school?   And the little unintentional things I do that he misunderstands or misreads Oiy Vey! 
I do recognize that the whole melt down was not due to that one incident.  Everything piles up and then he fixates on one moment that made him feel bad and that is the source of ALL his self hate and it all unravels from there. 
So we had a talk about different kinds of love.  I love him different than I love Daddy and so on.  Tricky things for kids to understand.  But bottom line, my heart has room to love everyone.  Not more or less, just different.  And after lots of hugs, kisses, and I love you's he is tucked in bed.  Not for the rest of his life, just until morning.  Another crisis averted!   

A Little more Detail

I have a few minutes to record more details about our first week as Foster Parents.  More accurately a Foster Family.  When I imagined taking foster kids I always wanted it to be something we do as a family.  All members on board.  I have always felt a need to raise my boys to be tender and kind.  I want them to notice the needs of others and serve them.  I want them to be a fearless protector of the weak, disabled, the bullied.  I don't know why... wait I do know why.  Because it is what I wish I was when I was a kid.  Instead I judged and sometimes even teased kids that were not as "cool" as me.  Call this the confessions of a reformed snob. 
I digress.  I also feel the need to push myself to overcome my fears and weaknesses.  I want to help people but I never how.  So I decided to invite the people who need help right into our home.  Make them a part of our family.  In essence, force us to love and serve and protect the weak and needy.  And maybe even have the opportunity to reach out to the parents and help them reunite with their child. 
A wonderful thought, but so many scary thoughts to follow.  What will this child do to our family?  I mean, we got it pretty easy these days.  Two awesome boys who are hilarious, talented, sweet, the list goes on.  We pretty much put it on cruise control and let this family coast.  Ok. it's not all that easy all the time.  But on a whole we have a very peaceful home.  Why would I want to disrupt that?  I don't know maybe you can tell me.
Anyways, as promised in the title I will give you more details of the week.  First of all,  just hours after we got licensed and spoke with our placement coordinator we received an email about a 2 year old boy who needed a home.  We said no because of things we had going on.  But it just surprised me that a child was needing a home that was in our small window of age, 0-3 years.  The next day another email.  This time it was an email with all the kids the agency was trying to place in homes.  14 in all.  Ranging from 1year- 18years old.  The one that caught our eye was 2 sisters ages 1 and 2 "very sweet".  So Jake and I decided to go for it.  This was the first time they were in the system so very little information was known about how things would progress.  But we thought we would just jump in and see what this fostering thing is all about.  We ended up going to pick them up which is not typical.  This was all on a Friday afternoon and we were told no one could get them to us until Sunday.  They were in a 78 hour 'Safe Place'.  The only place of it's kind in western Washington.  Designed to be a place where kids that are pulled out of their homes can get clean, clothed, fed, sleep, play, and get medical care while they are waiting to be placed in a foster home. 
So, after a few phone calls back ad forth, I felt like this was actually going to happen so it was time to tell me boys what was going on.  O got super excited, big smiles.  And after he said, "I always wanted a sister!" he added, "Oh, that's going to be even more work for me."  I assured him it was my job to take care of the kids, but his responsibility to teach them how to behave and treat each other.  He takes his Big Brother job very seriously.  He really loves it.  Just yesterday when we asked the boys if they were ready to have another child live with us he got excited and then mentioned that he loves C and F.  He is a sweetie. 
By the time we got home late Friday night my head was pounding.  I could feel myself getting sick.  I am going to try to not talk about that a ton but it really affected me.  It wasn't just a cold.  It was the never ending plague.  The end.
The girls did not seem scared or worried about coming to our house.  C (2 1/2) was confused.  Lots of questions and curious about the house.  Bed time the first night was difficult.  Putting a child to bed that you don't know a thing about is really hard.  After doing everything in our power to help them feel safe and comforted we just had to put them down and let them go to sleep. 
After talking to my mom on the phone the next day she hopped in the car and drove 3 hours to help me and Jake.  It was just like when I brought home my new born babies.  She camped out on the couch for the next 3 nights.  There is a special place in heaven for Grandmas!  So many people helped through out the week with meals, rides to school for O, girl toys, clothes, play dates for M.  I felt very loved and taken care of.   
The mornings were hard.  There was a lot of crying.  Turned out F (16 mo.) had an ear infection.  That explained her crying, anger, and need to be held ALL the time.  We got antibiotics for her on Tuesday.  By Sunday C felt more comfortable showing us her tantrum side.  And I think she was starting to feel more unsure about what was going on.  Why was she still at our house?  Where are the people she is familiar with?  She only asked one time where her mom was, that was the first night..  A ton of answers ran through my mind, I should have thought about what I should say to this question, but I ended up saying, "I don't know."  On Sunday when I got the feeling that she might be growing scared and confused, I decided to bring up the subject of 'Mom' again.  And I would be a little more prepared this time.  While she was brushing her teeth I told her... I wish I would have written it down.  I am drawing a total blank right now.  I said something to the effect that she is going to live at our house and maybe she will have visits with her mom.  The whole time they lived with us C called me Mommy.  Sometimes Mommy Kristi. 
I mentioned the many feelings we had during this week.  The first word or feeling that comes to mind is OVERWELMED.  Parenting 4 kids is a lot of work!  Trying to have so much patients with the girls and then snapping at my own kids.  Because so much attention and energy was going to the girls I needed my boys to do exactly what I say exactly when I say it.  And that's not really fair when typically I give them a long leash. 
Just the thought of going out of the house was overwhelming, so we didn't. 
And then there is the extra paperwork and records I need to keep as a foster parent, overwhelming.
Jake and I learned so much from the week.  We learned how important all the little things are so we didn't get completely consumed by the kids.  Making an effort to connect with each other.  When there is so much chaos all the time it becomes very easy to lose touch with our relationships.  Husband and wife, Mother and son, Father and son. It all just becomes getting things done, putting our fires, stay on top of the mess.  Taking little moments to connect and be together in the same space and in the same moment became very important to me.  It takes a lot of effort. 
I think that is a lot to read for one post.  I just want to say thank you to everyone who supported us and helped in any way.  And if you didn't get a chance to help with these girls, don't worry we will have more.  Just one at a time from now on.  In the words of an exhausted Jake at the noisy dinner table, "Maybe 4 was a little ambitious." 

I'm Back on the Grid!

My first Blog post...  REAL blog post.  This is a lot of pressure.  I have read a few blog articles in my time on the internet and those people are good writers.  And it seems like they think a lot about what they are going to say.  Trying to make a statement, or share their unique perspective, or impart the knowledge they have acquired through study or travel.  If I put that much pressure on myself to make these posts life changing for all who take the time to read them... well, I would never type a word.
Because I am such a private person this is really hard for me.  I don't really feel like my life is anything to read about.  Or maybe I feel like I am bragging when I write about myself.  As I struggle to put aside my insecurities to let people into my life, I realize something.  I don't want to exploit these kids. 
Who are these foster kids?  Why are they in foster care?  What happened to them?
Where are their parents?  What did they do? 
These are all natural questions that we as curious people want to know the answers to.  But I'm not writing a gossip blog.  So you won't find any of those details here. 
And I want to be clear that I am not bragging about what amazing people we are for taking in foster kids.  In fact Jake and I both feel strange when people congratulate us like we have done something great.  Since it really was a very hard week, full of many emotions... MANY emotions.  And we don't feel we did that well at it. 
So why Kristi?  Why are you writing this blog against all your natural instincts?  Because I know that people want to know.  You want to know what it is like to take in kids that don't belong to you and treat them as your own.  And I know I will be getting a lot of questions from a lot of people.  And perhaps this blog will answer those common questions so I don't have to repeat myself over and over.  And maybe this blog will give an insight to the world of foster care.  I was surprised how many people, upon hearing that we are getting our foster license, have thought about being foster parents themselves.  I think anyone who has felt the overwhelming love and blessings of our Heavenly Father has dreams of helping and giving back.  I may get more into my reasons for wanting to give back in another post.  But anyways, we are doing it.  We are going to try to give back to our community and try to make our world just a little bit better. 
So here is goes:
I know many of you already know their names.  But to keep some of their privacy I will just use their first initial when I refer to them. 

 

It was a late night.  I think we got home around 10pm.  And of course they had no interest in going straight to bed.  We had to show them around the house so they knew where they were.  They had a special interest in the toy room.  And all kids love balloons!  Luckily we had a couple dozen around the house since we had just celebrated Valentine's Day.

A week later I got a call in the morning that I needed to drop off the girls at 3:30pm at  the DSHS office.  The girls are going to live with their Uncle and Aunt!  An emotional call.  But, after a short prayer, I had a lot of hope that this is the best thing for the girls.  So before Oscar went to school I had the kids pile on the bean bag and tried to get all 4 to look at me.  This is the best of what I got. 

 I know I skipped a lot of details of what happened during the week.  I was all kind of a blur now.  I was sick the whole week.  I haven't been that sick in a long time.  This is what I am referring to when I say, "I'm back on the grid!"  My brain and body were so run down and exhausted.  I am so grateful for everyone who helped me get through theweek.  Whether it was food, play dates for M toilet paper, clothes, toys, my live-in, sleep on the couch Mom, rides to school, and the emails of support.  It was all needed and appreciated! 
We are taking 2 weeks to get healthy and gear up for our next placement.  So next week we will see what happens!  I will share more details of our week with the girls later.  For now I think this first post is a wrap!  I apologize for any typos or writing errors.  For now I am signing off and crossing my fingers I didn't make any embarrassing typos or errors in my first ever blog post!