It occurred to me that I have not included many details of what is going on with R and B and their future with us. We met the new social this week. Her exact words were, "We are looking at 18mo.-2 years. This is going to be a long journey we walk together." What does that mean? R and B will be with us for a long time... with a possibility of forever. But before we jump in and get our hearts set on forever we have a long journey ahead of us. And they are always searching for family who will take them too. So at any point along this journey they could find a long lost estranged Aunt and, if she is willing and able, custody would go to her.
For now we love them as much as possible. We give them as much stability as we can. We are working on building trust and attachments. We are trying to give them a foundation that they can build their emotional, social, intellectual and physical futures on.
When we first got them their stress level was so high it is called Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Over this month I have seen them calm down, smile more, laugh hysterically, and learn to communicate, hug, and cuddle. Love is slowly tempering the explosive anger. And trust is seeping in to calm the fear. They are far from "fixed". Many mountains still to climb. But it is really encouraging and rewarding to see such progress in the first month.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Friday, May 9, 2014
OH SNAP!
Yes I did it. I SNAPPED. It was a stupid thing too. Spilled water. Intentionally spilled as I yelled STOP!!!!! I lost my temper and threw one of the biggest Mommy tantrums of my 7 year career over spilled water. Long story short, the stress level in the house has been a bit high. Although M and R play well, with all the added noise and chaos in the house M has developed a stutter. And O? Let's just say that he and I took a mental health day yesterday.
I have been reading a book called Simplicity Parenting . In it the author suggests when your kids get too stressed that we stop everything. Take a weekend to do nothing. Take a day off school and activities and just unwind.
After my tantrum (most of it took place in my room) it was time to take O to school. My stomach was in knots and I could tell O was wound so tight- he had tears in his eyes while putting on his shoes. He had a rough evening the night before and in the morning it just continued. It dawned on me that his negative behavior (which may or may not have been the main contributing factor to my melt down) was due to the stress he is feeling with all the changes in the dynamics of our family. And he just needed a break from his normal routine to not worry for a day. I think it helped.
It is late now, but I don't want to leave you worrying about our mental wellness over here. We are doing better after our day of nothing. I need to get more sleep, worry less, and sleep more!
While our Social worker and Case Manager were visiting this week the boys kept busy filling the window sill with cars and action figures.
I have been reading a book called Simplicity Parenting . In it the author suggests when your kids get too stressed that we stop everything. Take a weekend to do nothing. Take a day off school and activities and just unwind.
After my tantrum (most of it took place in my room) it was time to take O to school. My stomach was in knots and I could tell O was wound so tight- he had tears in his eyes while putting on his shoes. He had a rough evening the night before and in the morning it just continued. It dawned on me that his negative behavior (which may or may not have been the main contributing factor to my melt down) was due to the stress he is feeling with all the changes in the dynamics of our family. And he just needed a break from his normal routine to not worry for a day. I think it helped.
It is late now, but I don't want to leave you worrying about our mental wellness over here. We are doing better after our day of nothing. I need to get more sleep, worry less, and sleep more!
Thursday, April 24, 2014
The Good followed by the Bad
A great day on Wednesday! I took M to his The Little Gym class. I was worried about how R would respond to M going in and not him. At first he didn't notice because he was playing with toys. Once he caught a glimpse of the gym he wanted to go in. Teacher Tracie was so kind, she took him in and he absolutely lit up! He just followed all the other kids and did whatever the teachers told him to do. It was really a pleasant day all the way around. I had a couple Mommy brag moments when M spent an hour cleaning up his gigantic toy mess pretty much by himself. And O folded and put away his laundry with out my help. I was feeling pretty good as a mom. Thought maybe I'd even write my own parenting book. Call it something like, "Give your Children Wings." or "The laid back parenting guide."
And then Thursday happen. I would like to take back my screaming.
6am when I hear a squeaky bed room door open, I groan. I drag myself down the stairs, grab a blanket and pillow, and curl up on the floor while R plays. A little while later the boys come down and start playing. And shortly after that the arguing begins. R likes to take the toys and books that the boys are using which doesn't go over well. And the day moves forward in this fashion until bed time. A few high lights were dropping off books at the library carrying a screaming R to the car. And pretty much screaming from the moment we walked into Fred Meyer and he saw the left over Easter Candy display. I never wanted to take R to the grocery store for this very reason. Food provokes a lot of memories and emotions for people and I just knew that the grocery store would be a trigger for a lot of fits. And he didn't disappoint. But we survived a quick trip for eggs and bread. Looks like I am night shopping for the foreseeable future.
Usually I wait a few days before writing about things that happen. It gives me time to filter and edit my thoughts and get perspective on the situation. But today is a day I would like to vent about and then move on from. Nothing horrible happened, just a day in the life of a mom. A tired mom who is going to bed... right after I clean out my purse.
And then Thursday happen. I would like to take back my screaming.
6am when I hear a squeaky bed room door open, I groan. I drag myself down the stairs, grab a blanket and pillow, and curl up on the floor while R plays. A little while later the boys come down and start playing. And shortly after that the arguing begins. R likes to take the toys and books that the boys are using which doesn't go over well. And the day moves forward in this fashion until bed time. A few high lights were dropping off books at the library carrying a screaming R to the car. And pretty much screaming from the moment we walked into Fred Meyer and he saw the left over Easter Candy display. I never wanted to take R to the grocery store for this very reason. Food provokes a lot of memories and emotions for people and I just knew that the grocery store would be a trigger for a lot of fits. And he didn't disappoint. But we survived a quick trip for eggs and bread. Looks like I am night shopping for the foreseeable future.
Usually I wait a few days before writing about things that happen. It gives me time to filter and edit my thoughts and get perspective on the situation. But today is a day I would like to vent about and then move on from. Nothing horrible happened, just a day in the life of a mom. A tired mom who is going to bed... right after I clean out my purse.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
The Knot in my Stomach
I had a knot in my stomach for a week and a half. It finally burst into tiny little pieces and traveled through my body poking at every nerve and muscle. It gnawed at my skin and finally found a nice resting place right in my throat. Thank goodness for sleep, perspective, humor, and love.
Two new rules I am trying to live by:
1. Don't sweat the small stuff.
2. Everything is small.
Progress Report:
I think that R and B are feeling more settled, safe, and trusting. I measure how safe R feels by the intensity of his tantrums. We had some ragers in the first week. There is so much fear, terror, and confusion in his scream. When I have to remove him from a situation he has no idea what's going to happen to him. All he has to go on is his previous life experiences, which I don't know anything about. But each time he has a "fit" and I sit there and watch, calm on the outside, mind racing on the inside; he learns. And trust is built. Every fit ends with a hug.
It has been almost a week since a face melting break down. I would say they are down to tantrum size fits and almost developmentally appropriate for his age. But then you want to throw in Easter with it's candy filled plastic eggs and cousins by the dozen? And I have no idea how he is going to react. That is why I have Jake. He reminds me that this is small stuff. We can't keep him in a bubble his whole life. Don't worry so much.
When B is hungry or tired look out... she turns on what I call, BEAST MODE! Maybe we should start throwing Skittles at her when she gets cranky!
Two new rules I am trying to live by:
1. Don't sweat the small stuff.
2. Everything is small.
Progress Report:
I think that R and B are feeling more settled, safe, and trusting. I measure how safe R feels by the intensity of his tantrums. We had some ragers in the first week. There is so much fear, terror, and confusion in his scream. When I have to remove him from a situation he has no idea what's going to happen to him. All he has to go on is his previous life experiences, which I don't know anything about. But each time he has a "fit" and I sit there and watch, calm on the outside, mind racing on the inside; he learns. And trust is built. Every fit ends with a hug.
It has been almost a week since a face melting break down. I would say they are down to tantrum size fits and almost developmentally appropriate for his age. But then you want to throw in Easter with it's candy filled plastic eggs and cousins by the dozen? And I have no idea how he is going to react. That is why I have Jake. He reminds me that this is small stuff. We can't keep him in a bubble his whole life. Don't worry so much.
When B is hungry or tired look out... she turns on what I call, BEAST MODE! Maybe we should start throwing Skittles at her when she gets cranky!
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Who loves you?
Wouldn't that be awesome if you could all say, with full confidence and total belief that everyone loves you? As adults our world is so large. Friends, acquaintances, co-workers, there are so many people through out our life that influence us and we have an influence on. Surely not ALL those people love us. But a child's world is very small. They can name all the people that are special to them on their fingers. And the people who are important enough to be counted on those tiny fingers have the responsibility to shape that child. Filling them with unconditional love. Assuring them that they can dream of someday being the president, or ending world hunger, or walking on the moon.
I'm trying not to wax too poetic or sound like some groovy parenting book. Like I said I have just been thinking about what M said through out my day. What a special time childhood is. Everybody in his world loves him. What a safe feeling.
R and M playing together. This is such a relief. I was having a lot of anxiety about the relationship between these two. 2 days in, so far so good. R seems to watch my boys and do what they do. This was my hope. Even an answer to my prayer.
When I got the call about R and B, I was not so sure I wanted to take them. Mainly because they are white. There I said it. I always imagined myself having foster and adopted children who were of a culturally diverse background. Why? Here is the answer. I'm not proud of it, but it is my insecurity. Because when people see me at the park or grocery store I want it to be obvious that these are not my biological kids. Not because I want people to praise or applaud me. But because I don't want them judging me for my child's bad behavior. There it is. Fear of judgment from others.
But I decided to pray about these siblings. And I had a thought, "We can give this little boy brothers." And that was comforting.
R is not the gentlest big brother to B. Their interactions with each other are territorial, aggressive, and angry. But he is a big teddy bear and LOVES playing with boys. We can already see some improvement in his behavior. I am learning so much about their personalities and I think they are feeling more settled and safe. (the beautiful weather has helped a ton, they love playing outside) I can now tell the difference between a regular 2 year old tantrum and an actual fear based panic attack.
So there you have it. I've had some really emotional moments that I may share with you when it is not so late in the evening. And some really sweet ones too. Thank you for all the support. It really does give me the confidence to continue what we have set out to do... CHANGE THE WORLD!!!
I had a lot of people who loved me when I was a child so I can still DREAM BIG!
Friday, April 11, 2014
A Very Late Night
I so need to go to bed right now. Just wanted to update everyone on my day... ok not the whole day. Just the high lights. We had 2 kids join our family today! A boy, almost 3. And a girl, one year old. They are hearty children. They drank a quarter of a gallon of milk this evening. R is the happiest little boy I have ever met. He cracks himself up. The minute he walked in the door he started playing with all our toys and didn't stop even for dinner. This evening we were in the church parking lot and he stood with the toes of his galoshes on the edge of the curb, looked at me with a big smile like I was supposed to count down for him to jump. His knees bent, momentum went forward, but the feet never left the ground. Landed on the pavement right on his arms. He got right up and jibbered some jabber and off we went in the car. B is a typical one year old little sister. Just trying to play with her brothers closely guarded toys and steal his sippy cup. She sings and dances to music and at this moment her snores are coming through the baby monitor loud and clear.
Tomorrow I will give more detail about the whole day, for now I am going to bed way too late. Jake jinxed me last night when he convinced me to stay up to watch Survivor we had recorded. He said "You can sleep all weekend."
The first night is sooooo difficult. Putting kids to bed that you have never met and no instructions is a big game of trial and error. You really have to try every trick in the book before you figure out their night time habits.
Please forgive any spelling or grammar errors! Good night!
Tomorrow I will give more detail about the whole day, for now I am going to bed way too late. Jake jinxed me last night when he convinced me to stay up to watch Survivor we had recorded. He said "You can sleep all weekend."
The first night is sooooo difficult. Putting kids to bed that you have never met and no instructions is a big game of trial and error. You really have to try every trick in the book before you figure out their night time habits.
Please forgive any spelling or grammar errors! Good night!
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Little People are Breaking My Heart
The past couple weeks the placement coordinator has informed us of a number of children that need homes. One we said no to and the others we said yes to. The brief information that we get about some of these kids breaks our hearts. But they went to other homes. It has been a roller coaster.
This week we are enjoying having a baby in the house! We are doing respite for a week. Respite is when you watch a foster child who lives in another foster home. The foster family is going on vacation and they can't take her with them. T is 1.5 years old and currently sick. This is why Little People are Breaking My Heart. She gets sick a lot. But she seemed fine when we got her on Monday. She was really fine all Monday and most of Tuesday. I thought it was actually kind of strange how fine she was. She is in a strange home with people she has never met and she walks around like it doesn't even phase her. I'm not gonna lie, that does make my job easier. She isn't hysterically crying for her mom. Just go with the flow. Makes things easy. But last night she finally started whimpering, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy." It made me feel a bit better. She does have connections and bonds and attachments. That is important for her development.
Today she woke up sick. Not wanting to eat. Strange, since she has been eating everything I offered her since she walked through the door. But today there was some crying and some throw up. It continued on and off through the day. She had a visit with her Dad and apparently she cried for an hour and a half and more throw up. When she got home I spent a lot of time cuddling with her, letting her listen to my heart beat, trying to help her feel as much love as possible. With no medical training my cure for ailments is food and love. In my mind it is the stress from being in a strange home, away from her foster family, that has caused her to get sick. So if I can help her stress to go down then her little body can heal. Like I said, I'm not a doctor. But it was nice that we didn't have anything to do tonight so we could just chill.
This week we are enjoying having a baby in the house! We are doing respite for a week. Respite is when you watch a foster child who lives in another foster home. The foster family is going on vacation and they can't take her with them. T is 1.5 years old and currently sick. This is why Little People are Breaking My Heart. She gets sick a lot. But she seemed fine when we got her on Monday. She was really fine all Monday and most of Tuesday. I thought it was actually kind of strange how fine she was. She is in a strange home with people she has never met and she walks around like it doesn't even phase her. I'm not gonna lie, that does make my job easier. She isn't hysterically crying for her mom. Just go with the flow. Makes things easy. But last night she finally started whimpering, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy." It made me feel a bit better. She does have connections and bonds and attachments. That is important for her development.
Today she woke up sick. Not wanting to eat. Strange, since she has been eating everything I offered her since she walked through the door. But today there was some crying and some throw up. It continued on and off through the day. She had a visit with her Dad and apparently she cried for an hour and a half and more throw up. When she got home I spent a lot of time cuddling with her, letting her listen to my heart beat, trying to help her feel as much love as possible. With no medical training my cure for ailments is food and love. In my mind it is the stress from being in a strange home, away from her foster family, that has caused her to get sick. So if I can help her stress to go down then her little body can heal. Like I said, I'm not a doctor. But it was nice that we didn't have anything to do tonight so we could just chill.
She liked to have M hold her sippy cup for her. She has a cast on her right arm so it's tricky to hold with one little hand. M is loving his roll as big brother. She just smiles at M and hands him her cup. But she won't let O help her.
Tuesday, March 25, 2014
The Waiting
Incase you are wondering what is going on with our family, here is more than you probably wanted to know!
We are going to do respite for a 17 mo. old. From March 31st- April 5th.
What is respite? Think of it as baby sitting. If you want or need to leave your foster child for more than 24 hrs. you must leave them with a licensed foster care giver in a licensed foster home. So a family at our foster agency, is going on vacation but the birth mom does not want her daughter to leave the state. So they have to find respite care for her while they are gone. So we are excited to get back to work!
Today we got a call that there is a 1 month old baby girl ready to be released from the hospital and needed long term foster care. I cannot explain the rush of adrenaline that starts pumping through me when I get these emails and calls. It is much like when you look at the pregnancy test and the positive sign begins to appear. All of a sudden reality hits and things get real.
So we said we will take her! But apparently babies, particularly baby girls, are quite... popular. So I waited to hear all day if we got chosen. Day dreaming about what our life was going to be like with a new born in the house. It was hard to focus. I waited all day. The longer I waited the more I realized we had not been chosen as her foster parents. Later, through email, it was confirmed.
Bummer. This is the strangest feeling. Not knowing what my life will look like in the near future. One email can flip all our plans on their head. For me it makes it hard to plan things. I only make plans that I know I can follow through with even if I had an extra passenger.
For now, I am trying to be patient. Trying to trust that things will work out for the best.
On another note. My O. My sweet, sensitive, anxious, perceptive, O. Today he melted down. He does this every few weeks... maybe more. I thought it was because I scolded him for repeating something a neighbor girl said yesterday. But he said that was only part of it. I don't want to go into too much detail for his privacy, but part of what he said is that I don't love him and he is never getting out of bed again. Jake did eventually get him to come down for dinner and the rest of the night was normal. At bed time he finally told me what it was that made him think that I don't love him. Get ready for this:
Have any of you seen the commercial where the computer guys are in the ceiling of the conference room improving their internet? The guy is on the ladder and asks the girl if it hurt when she fell from heaven and she responds, "Yeah, Kinda."
So the other day I was on the computer. I could hear O and Jake in the other room and O keeps prodding Jake, "Go ask her, go ask her." And Jake, who is watching Gonzaga get pounced in the NCAA tournament, responds multiple times, "Ok, at a commercial." O couldn't wait. He comes in giggling and asks, "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" I smiled and answered "Yeah, Kinda." He ran back to the family room cracking up and bugged Jake to, "Go ask her!" Until finally, a commercial break. Jake pulled himself off the couch to appease his son. This time I had time to think of my response. So when the pick up line was delivered, I announced, "Yes! Take me home!" leaped into his arms and gave him a kiss. Ok, I tried to leap into his arms... I tried. We all laughed and they went back to the game.
So there you have it. The reason my son thinks I don't love him. Did you catch it?
I only said, "Yeah, Kinda." to him but jumped up and kissed daddy. Kids read into EVERYTHING we do. How many "I love you's" does it take to make up for all the impatient mornings and frustrating bed times? How many hugs and kisses do I have to give out to build him back up after a day at school? And the little unintentional things I do that he misunderstands or misreads Oiy Vey!
I do recognize that the whole melt down was not due to that one incident. Everything piles up and then he fixates on one moment that made him feel bad and that is the source of ALL his self hate and it all unravels from there.
So we had a talk about different kinds of love. I love him different than I love Daddy and so on. Tricky things for kids to understand. But bottom line, my heart has room to love everyone. Not more or less, just different. And after lots of hugs, kisses, and I love you's he is tucked in bed. Not for the rest of his life, just until morning. Another crisis averted!
We are going to do respite for a 17 mo. old. From March 31st- April 5th.
What is respite? Think of it as baby sitting. If you want or need to leave your foster child for more than 24 hrs. you must leave them with a licensed foster care giver in a licensed foster home. So a family at our foster agency, is going on vacation but the birth mom does not want her daughter to leave the state. So they have to find respite care for her while they are gone. So we are excited to get back to work!
Today we got a call that there is a 1 month old baby girl ready to be released from the hospital and needed long term foster care. I cannot explain the rush of adrenaline that starts pumping through me when I get these emails and calls. It is much like when you look at the pregnancy test and the positive sign begins to appear. All of a sudden reality hits and things get real.
So we said we will take her! But apparently babies, particularly baby girls, are quite... popular. So I waited to hear all day if we got chosen. Day dreaming about what our life was going to be like with a new born in the house. It was hard to focus. I waited all day. The longer I waited the more I realized we had not been chosen as her foster parents. Later, through email, it was confirmed.
Bummer. This is the strangest feeling. Not knowing what my life will look like in the near future. One email can flip all our plans on their head. For me it makes it hard to plan things. I only make plans that I know I can follow through with even if I had an extra passenger.
For now, I am trying to be patient. Trying to trust that things will work out for the best.
Have any of you seen the commercial where the computer guys are in the ceiling of the conference room improving their internet? The guy is on the ladder and asks the girl if it hurt when she fell from heaven and she responds, "Yeah, Kinda."
So the other day I was on the computer. I could hear O and Jake in the other room and O keeps prodding Jake, "Go ask her, go ask her." And Jake, who is watching Gonzaga get pounced in the NCAA tournament, responds multiple times, "Ok, at a commercial." O couldn't wait. He comes in giggling and asks, "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" I smiled and answered "Yeah, Kinda." He ran back to the family room cracking up and bugged Jake to, "Go ask her!" Until finally, a commercial break. Jake pulled himself off the couch to appease his son. This time I had time to think of my response. So when the pick up line was delivered, I announced, "Yes! Take me home!" leaped into his arms and gave him a kiss. Ok, I tried to leap into his arms... I tried. We all laughed and they went back to the game.
So there you have it. The reason my son thinks I don't love him. Did you catch it?
I only said, "Yeah, Kinda." to him but jumped up and kissed daddy. Kids read into EVERYTHING we do. How many "I love you's" does it take to make up for all the impatient mornings and frustrating bed times? How many hugs and kisses do I have to give out to build him back up after a day at school? And the little unintentional things I do that he misunderstands or misreads Oiy Vey!
I do recognize that the whole melt down was not due to that one incident. Everything piles up and then he fixates on one moment that made him feel bad and that is the source of ALL his self hate and it all unravels from there.
So we had a talk about different kinds of love. I love him different than I love Daddy and so on. Tricky things for kids to understand. But bottom line, my heart has room to love everyone. Not more or less, just different. And after lots of hugs, kisses, and I love you's he is tucked in bed. Not for the rest of his life, just until morning. Another crisis averted!
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
A Little more Detail
I have a few minutes to record more details about our first week as Foster Parents. More accurately a Foster Family. When I imagined taking foster kids I always wanted it to be something we do as a family. All members on board. I have always felt a need to raise my boys to be tender and kind. I want them to notice the needs of others and serve them. I want them to be a fearless protector of the weak, disabled, the bullied. I don't know why... wait I do know why. Because it is what I wish I was when I was a kid. Instead I judged and sometimes even teased kids that were not as "cool" as me. Call this the confessions of a reformed snob.
I digress. I also feel the need to push myself to overcome my fears and weaknesses. I want to help people but I never how. So I decided to invite the people who need help right into our home. Make them a part of our family. In essence, force us to love and serve and protect the weak and needy. And maybe even have the opportunity to reach out to the parents and help them reunite with their child.
A wonderful thought, but so many scary thoughts to follow. What will this child do to our family? I mean, we got it pretty easy these days. Two awesome boys who are hilarious, talented, sweet, the list goes on. We pretty much put it on cruise control and let this family coast. Ok. it's not all that easy all the time. But on a whole we have a very peaceful home. Why would I want to disrupt that? I don't know maybe you can tell me.
Anyways, as promised in the title I will give you more details of the week. First of all, just hours after we got licensed and spoke with our placement coordinator we received an email about a 2 year old boy who needed a home. We said no because of things we had going on. But it just surprised me that a child was needing a home that was in our small window of age, 0-3 years. The next day another email. This time it was an email with all the kids the agency was trying to place in homes. 14 in all. Ranging from 1year- 18years old. The one that caught our eye was 2 sisters ages 1 and 2 "very sweet". So Jake and I decided to go for it. This was the first time they were in the system so very little information was known about how things would progress. But we thought we would just jump in and see what this fostering thing is all about. We ended up going to pick them up which is not typical. This was all on a Friday afternoon and we were told no one could get them to us until Sunday. They were in a 78 hour 'Safe Place'. The only place of it's kind in western Washington. Designed to be a place where kids that are pulled out of their homes can get clean, clothed, fed, sleep, play, and get medical care while they are waiting to be placed in a foster home.
So, after a few phone calls back ad forth, I felt like this was actually going to happen so it was time to tell me boys what was going on. O got super excited, big smiles. And after he said, "I always wanted a sister!" he added, "Oh, that's going to be even more work for me." I assured him it was my job to take care of the kids, but his responsibility to teach them how to behave and treat each other. He takes his Big Brother job very seriously. He really loves it. Just yesterday when we asked the boys if they were ready to have another child live with us he got excited and then mentioned that he loves C and F. He is a sweetie.
By the time we got home late Friday night my head was pounding. I could feel myself getting sick. I am going to try to not talk about that a ton but it really affected me. It wasn't just a cold. It was the never ending plague. The end.
The girls did not seem scared or worried about coming to our house. C (2 1/2) was confused. Lots of questions and curious about the house. Bed time the first night was difficult. Putting a child to bed that you don't know a thing about is really hard. After doing everything in our power to help them feel safe and comforted we just had to put them down and let them go to sleep.
After talking to my mom on the phone the next day she hopped in the car and drove 3 hours to help me and Jake. It was just like when I brought home my new born babies. She camped out on the couch for the next 3 nights. There is a special place in heaven for Grandmas! So many people helped through out the week with meals, rides to school for O, girl toys, clothes, play dates for M. I felt very loved and taken care of.
The mornings were hard. There was a lot of crying. Turned out F (16 mo.) had an ear infection. That explained her crying, anger, and need to be held ALL the time. We got antibiotics for her on Tuesday. By Sunday C felt more comfortable showing us her tantrum side. And I think she was starting to feel more unsure about what was going on. Why was she still at our house? Where are the people she is familiar with? She only asked one time where her mom was, that was the first night.. A ton of answers ran through my mind, I should have thought about what I should say to this question, but I ended up saying, "I don't know." On Sunday when I got the feeling that she might be growing scared and confused, I decided to bring up the subject of 'Mom' again. And I would be a little more prepared this time. While she was brushing her teeth I told her... I wish I would have written it down. I am drawing a total blank right now. I said something to the effect that she is going to live at our house and maybe she will have visits with her mom. The whole time they lived with us C called me Mommy. Sometimes Mommy Kristi.
I mentioned the many feelings we had during this week. The first word or feeling that comes to mind is OVERWELMED. Parenting 4 kids is a lot of work! Trying to have so much patients with the girls and then snapping at my own kids. Because so much attention and energy was going to the girls I needed my boys to do exactly what I say exactly when I say it. And that's not really fair when typically I give them a long leash.
Just the thought of going out of the house was overwhelming, so we didn't.
And then there is the extra paperwork and records I need to keep as a foster parent, overwhelming.
Jake and I learned so much from the week. We learned how important all the little things are so we didn't get completely consumed by the kids. Making an effort to connect with each other. When there is so much chaos all the time it becomes very easy to lose touch with our relationships. Husband and wife, Mother and son, Father and son. It all just becomes getting things done, putting our fires, stay on top of the mess. Taking little moments to connect and be together in the same space and in the same moment became very important to me. It takes a lot of effort.
I think that is a lot to read for one post. I just want to say thank you to everyone who supported us and helped in any way. And if you didn't get a chance to help with these girls, don't worry we will have more. Just one at a time from now on. In the words of an exhausted Jake at the noisy dinner table, "Maybe 4 was a little ambitious."
I digress. I also feel the need to push myself to overcome my fears and weaknesses. I want to help people but I never how. So I decided to invite the people who need help right into our home. Make them a part of our family. In essence, force us to love and serve and protect the weak and needy. And maybe even have the opportunity to reach out to the parents and help them reunite with their child.
A wonderful thought, but so many scary thoughts to follow. What will this child do to our family? I mean, we got it pretty easy these days. Two awesome boys who are hilarious, talented, sweet, the list goes on. We pretty much put it on cruise control and let this family coast. Ok. it's not all that easy all the time. But on a whole we have a very peaceful home. Why would I want to disrupt that? I don't know maybe you can tell me.
Anyways, as promised in the title I will give you more details of the week. First of all, just hours after we got licensed and spoke with our placement coordinator we received an email about a 2 year old boy who needed a home. We said no because of things we had going on. But it just surprised me that a child was needing a home that was in our small window of age, 0-3 years. The next day another email. This time it was an email with all the kids the agency was trying to place in homes. 14 in all. Ranging from 1year- 18years old. The one that caught our eye was 2 sisters ages 1 and 2 "very sweet". So Jake and I decided to go for it. This was the first time they were in the system so very little information was known about how things would progress. But we thought we would just jump in and see what this fostering thing is all about. We ended up going to pick them up which is not typical. This was all on a Friday afternoon and we were told no one could get them to us until Sunday. They were in a 78 hour 'Safe Place'. The only place of it's kind in western Washington. Designed to be a place where kids that are pulled out of their homes can get clean, clothed, fed, sleep, play, and get medical care while they are waiting to be placed in a foster home.
So, after a few phone calls back ad forth, I felt like this was actually going to happen so it was time to tell me boys what was going on. O got super excited, big smiles. And after he said, "I always wanted a sister!" he added, "Oh, that's going to be even more work for me." I assured him it was my job to take care of the kids, but his responsibility to teach them how to behave and treat each other. He takes his Big Brother job very seriously. He really loves it. Just yesterday when we asked the boys if they were ready to have another child live with us he got excited and then mentioned that he loves C and F. He is a sweetie.
By the time we got home late Friday night my head was pounding. I could feel myself getting sick. I am going to try to not talk about that a ton but it really affected me. It wasn't just a cold. It was the never ending plague. The end.
The girls did not seem scared or worried about coming to our house. C (2 1/2) was confused. Lots of questions and curious about the house. Bed time the first night was difficult. Putting a child to bed that you don't know a thing about is really hard. After doing everything in our power to help them feel safe and comforted we just had to put them down and let them go to sleep.
After talking to my mom on the phone the next day she hopped in the car and drove 3 hours to help me and Jake. It was just like when I brought home my new born babies. She camped out on the couch for the next 3 nights. There is a special place in heaven for Grandmas! So many people helped through out the week with meals, rides to school for O, girl toys, clothes, play dates for M. I felt very loved and taken care of.
The mornings were hard. There was a lot of crying. Turned out F (16 mo.) had an ear infection. That explained her crying, anger, and need to be held ALL the time. We got antibiotics for her on Tuesday. By Sunday C felt more comfortable showing us her tantrum side. And I think she was starting to feel more unsure about what was going on. Why was she still at our house? Where are the people she is familiar with? She only asked one time where her mom was, that was the first night.. A ton of answers ran through my mind, I should have thought about what I should say to this question, but I ended up saying, "I don't know." On Sunday when I got the feeling that she might be growing scared and confused, I decided to bring up the subject of 'Mom' again. And I would be a little more prepared this time. While she was brushing her teeth I told her... I wish I would have written it down. I am drawing a total blank right now. I said something to the effect that she is going to live at our house and maybe she will have visits with her mom. The whole time they lived with us C called me Mommy. Sometimes Mommy Kristi.
I mentioned the many feelings we had during this week. The first word or feeling that comes to mind is OVERWELMED. Parenting 4 kids is a lot of work! Trying to have so much patients with the girls and then snapping at my own kids. Because so much attention and energy was going to the girls I needed my boys to do exactly what I say exactly when I say it. And that's not really fair when typically I give them a long leash.
Just the thought of going out of the house was overwhelming, so we didn't.
And then there is the extra paperwork and records I need to keep as a foster parent, overwhelming.
Jake and I learned so much from the week. We learned how important all the little things are so we didn't get completely consumed by the kids. Making an effort to connect with each other. When there is so much chaos all the time it becomes very easy to lose touch with our relationships. Husband and wife, Mother and son, Father and son. It all just becomes getting things done, putting our fires, stay on top of the mess. Taking little moments to connect and be together in the same space and in the same moment became very important to me. It takes a lot of effort.
I think that is a lot to read for one post. I just want to say thank you to everyone who supported us and helped in any way. And if you didn't get a chance to help with these girls, don't worry we will have more. Just one at a time from now on. In the words of an exhausted Jake at the noisy dinner table, "Maybe 4 was a little ambitious."
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
I'm Back on the Grid!
My first Blog post... REAL blog post. This is a lot of pressure. I have read a few blog articles in my time on the internet and those people are good writers. And it seems like they think a lot about what they are going to say. Trying to make a statement, or share their unique perspective, or impart the knowledge they have acquired through study or travel. If I put that much pressure on myself to make these posts life changing for all who take the time to read them... well, I would never type a word.
Because I am such a private person this is really hard for me. I don't really feel like my life is anything to read about. Or maybe I feel like I am bragging when I write about myself. As I struggle to put aside my insecurities to let people into my life, I realize something. I don't want to exploit these kids.
Who are these foster kids? Why are they in foster care? What happened to them?
Where are their parents? What did they do?
These are all natural questions that we as curious people want to know the answers to. But I'm not writing a gossip blog. So you won't find any of those details here.
And I want to be clear that I am not bragging about what amazing people we are for taking in foster kids. In fact Jake and I both feel strange when people congratulate us like we have done something great. Since it really was a very hard week, full of many emotions... MANY emotions. And we don't feel we did that well at it.
So why Kristi? Why are you writing this blog against all your natural instincts? Because I know that people want to know. You want to know what it is like to take in kids that don't belong to you and treat them as your own. And I know I will be getting a lot of questions from a lot of people. And perhaps this blog will answer those common questions so I don't have to repeat myself over and over. And maybe this blog will give an insight to the world of foster care. I was surprised how many people, upon hearing that we are getting our foster license, have thought about being foster parents themselves. I think anyone who has felt the overwhelming love and blessings of our Heavenly Father has dreams of helping and giving back. I may get more into my reasons for wanting to give back in another post. But anyways, we are doing it. We are going to try to give back to our community and try to make our world just a little bit better.
So here is goes:
I know many of you already know their names. But to keep some of their privacy I will just use their first initial when I refer to them.
It was a late night. I think we got home around 10pm. And of course they had no interest in going straight to bed. We had to show them around the house so they knew where they were. They had a special interest in the toy room. And all kids love balloons! Luckily we had a couple dozen around the house since we had just celebrated Valentine's Day.
A week later I got a call in the morning that I needed to drop off the girls at 3:30pm at the DSHS office. The girls are going to live with their Uncle and Aunt! An emotional call. But, after a short prayer, I had a lot of hope that this is the best thing for the girls. So before Oscar went to school I had the kids pile on the bean bag and tried to get all 4 to look at me. This is the best of what I got.
I know I skipped a lot of details of what happened during the week. I was all kind of a blur now. I was sick the whole week. I haven't been that sick in a long time. This is what I am referring to when I say, "I'm back on the grid!" My brain and body were so run down and exhausted. I am so grateful for everyone who helped me get through theweek. Whether it was food, play dates for M toilet paper, clothes, toys, my live-in, sleep on the couch Mom, rides to school, and the emails of support. It was all needed and appreciated!
We are taking 2 weeks to get healthy and gear up for our next placement. So next week we will see what happens! I will share more details of our week with the girls later. For now I think this first post is a wrap! I apologize for any typos or writing errors. For now I am signing off and crossing my fingers I didn't make any embarrassing typos or errors in my first ever blog post!
Because I am such a private person this is really hard for me. I don't really feel like my life is anything to read about. Or maybe I feel like I am bragging when I write about myself. As I struggle to put aside my insecurities to let people into my life, I realize something. I don't want to exploit these kids.
Who are these foster kids? Why are they in foster care? What happened to them?
Where are their parents? What did they do?
These are all natural questions that we as curious people want to know the answers to. But I'm not writing a gossip blog. So you won't find any of those details here.
And I want to be clear that I am not bragging about what amazing people we are for taking in foster kids. In fact Jake and I both feel strange when people congratulate us like we have done something great. Since it really was a very hard week, full of many emotions... MANY emotions. And we don't feel we did that well at it.
So why Kristi? Why are you writing this blog against all your natural instincts? Because I know that people want to know. You want to know what it is like to take in kids that don't belong to you and treat them as your own. And I know I will be getting a lot of questions from a lot of people. And perhaps this blog will answer those common questions so I don't have to repeat myself over and over. And maybe this blog will give an insight to the world of foster care. I was surprised how many people, upon hearing that we are getting our foster license, have thought about being foster parents themselves. I think anyone who has felt the overwhelming love and blessings of our Heavenly Father has dreams of helping and giving back. I may get more into my reasons for wanting to give back in another post. But anyways, we are doing it. We are going to try to give back to our community and try to make our world just a little bit better.
So here is goes:
I know many of you already know their names. But to keep some of their privacy I will just use their first initial when I refer to them.
A week later I got a call in the morning that I needed to drop off the girls at 3:30pm at the DSHS office. The girls are going to live with their Uncle and Aunt! An emotional call. But, after a short prayer, I had a lot of hope that this is the best thing for the girls. So before Oscar went to school I had the kids pile on the bean bag and tried to get all 4 to look at me. This is the best of what I got.
We are taking 2 weeks to get healthy and gear up for our next placement. So next week we will see what happens! I will share more details of our week with the girls later. For now I think this first post is a wrap! I apologize for any typos or writing errors. For now I am signing off and crossing my fingers I didn't make any embarrassing typos or errors in my first ever blog post!
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